Amen Doesn’t Mean Goodbye

 27 July 2010

Yea, so for the longest time (until this last school year) I never questioned what “amen” meant. I used context clues and always just assumed it was how God liked to say “goodbye” or “see you later”. Then I found out that Jesus uses that word at the beginning of his sentences. He says, “Amen, Amen…”, or “truly, truly… “(I say to you). This profoundly changed how I thought about prayer, but more importantly how I relate to the urgency in Jesus’ ministry to communicate the Truth.

So, as the summer is drawing to an end, and I have now seen more of India than quite a large number of Indians. I have experienced things that I pray I will never forget, and I have developed relationships that I cherish and anticipate growing in a healthy way as I progress through life. I have been given things money cannot buy, and am indebted to many people more than I could ever repay. And just as I was literally amazed at the way people sacrificially gave money for us to come to India, and how this experience alone deepened my understanding of Jesus’ unfathomable gift on the cross. In the same way, the Indian families that opened up their homes, wallets, kitchens, and hearts to us as we travelled have instilled in me a gratitude that I absolutely cannot properly express. As I was talking to Joben’s mom, she shared that the only thing they wished I do in response to how I feel after living among them for some time is to pass it on, to pay it forward, to open up my home (and, boy, to imitate the way families have opened their home and hearts to us is saying something). After this conversation, again, I realized how perfectly her request matches that of Jesus Christ’s. So, again, their generosity and example unlocked another part of the mystery that is God’s love for us. Wasn’t it Jesus who gave us something we can’t repay? Wasn’t it Jesus that commands us, above anything else, to love? Not only our Heavenly Father (which makes sense), but also our neighbor? I mean he gave us the great commission, and as I approach my last supper in India (on this trip) I hope I am instructed as Jesus instructed, “to remember” all that our Father has done. Not only on the cross, but also in the present, as he lives and breathes in my presence. I desperately pray, that in America, in the mountains, at Baylor, and everywhere I go that I let my light shine before others that they may see my good works and give glory to my Father  who is in heaven. Amen.

The Day on a Train

-          Day on the train, but not one without purpose

• God challenged me to dig into his word, a bit reluctantly, I acquiesced, and am glad a day spent reading and in deep thought would be honored with such great joy/satisfaction.
  • Does God have a plan? How many? Can it change?  How can the Bible seem to contradict itself and still be inerrant? This was the question I had after reading Micah 2:3…although I am comfortable with my answer, I needed to search and struggle for a deeper understanding if I wanted to ever explain it to someone else…I had a complete day on a train…why not?

-          Food was lovely; a/c was so enjoyable

• Got a free compartment b/c no one bought the tickets, two other guys shared a total of 8 spots with us. So we sprawled out as we read.
• I got to study God’s word comfortably, and in relative solitude (cause no one booked the adjoining compartment) Coincidence right? What is coincidence? (besides foolishness)

-          Had 2 cups of chai, and 1 cup of coffee, ice cream after lunch AND supper, what more could I ask for?

• The schedule was like this: Coffee at 0630; breakfast after 0900; Chai btw. breakfast and lunch; Lunch at 1515—yea, late; Chai and biscuits at 1800; Supper after 2030. Pretty nice, no?

-  Picked up by the beautiful David Family after they had waited for two hours until 12:30a. I don’t think any of them slept that night before work.

From Scrabble to Chennai on the POLAR—(no)– Duronto Express

After arriving around 06:15 and after breakfast, Deepa Aunty and her daughter Hannah (and even her grandma participated on Aunty’s team) while the 4 of us played a game of Scrabble. One of my favs, of course, and thankfully there was worthy competition although Hannah and Joben weren’t as intense, Aunty was quite good, and took every word seriously. (and yes mom…“I cheated”…which pretty much means “I won” for all outsiders.) J I love Scrabble.

On a different note, as I ended the last post, the 13^th of July will forever carry special significance because it is the day that Cassie Cork was brought into this world. Although Hannah thought it was incredibly sad that I was in India on such a momentous day, it was a pretty proud moment when I got to briefly mention how great God has strengthened Cassie (and ME) and how our relationship has actually been strengthened despite a significant physical distance, even on a day like this one. Thankfully, Hannah has a good head on her shoulders b/c she was able to understand this, and her clarity was further seen in her great taste in Disney movies, and selection of songs on her ipod. Hah, we went to a pretty famous spot in Delhi, and sang some classic songs in the car. I really enjoyed it.

After our brief trip out in the city, we headed to the train station thinking we would have plenty of time to stop by the house real quick and still catch our 15:50 train. However, some sort of demonstration/celebration/I don’t know what- made the (now infamous) Delhi traffic come to a standstill…literally. Our plans changed from stopping by the house-> to being thankful we had our bags already with us-> to thinking it wouldn’t matter either way b/c our train would surely be gone. We weren’t moving. We debated back and forth btw hopping out and trying to get an auto to take us back a different way to the station, then we moved… a little. We waited… then we got out, serious this time about finding an auto, but nothing was there. By this time, the car came back around and so we got back in. This time the backseat carried three bodies and two body-sized bags. The thought that kept running through my head was reminding me of my ignorance to God’s will, and that whether we get this train or a different one, it would be good for us. After the many ways throughout my time in India that God has confirmed that we are in the center of his will, I knew and for once was completely at peace knowing that whether our train would be at the station or not it would result in good, because God’s will is good, all the time—amen. It was equally evident that we would reach the station after our scheduled time of departure. Aunty asked our Father aloud for an extra half hour, the rest of us prayed silently, and boy were they answered. Joben got the number of the station as we were going as fast as the traffic allowed, and the automated voice delivered sweet news of God’s provision- the train was 2 hours late. Incredible! This was the Duronto Express. Our previous (and the normal) experience with an express train is impeccable timing. The former express we rode literally pulled into the station accurate within a minute. (They bypass stations and have higher priority on the tracks so they can run on time.) But, for whatever reason—by the grace of God—the Duronto Express was late. We breathed out much praise and a thankful sigh of relief. We enjoyed a few moments and a mango shake back at their house, and were advised by Joben’s dad to head to the station asap b/c a train like that won’t wait for us, although it was supposed to leave now at 17:50.

We took his advice though, thanked our fabulously fun and gracious hosts, and tried to catch an auto-rickshaw to the station. No one would take us. We couldn’t figure out “why”, it wasn’t cause I was white, plenty of other autos have taken me around Delhi. After dozens didn’t bother to stop or rejected our request I thought “this is how they feel when we continually tell them “no” wherever we go,” (–but we have good reason to reject them.) I fought the anxiousness that was creeping back into the air around us by assuring myself that if I thought the 2-hour delay was a miracle and a testament to God’s goodness than surely God will not stop being good now. If I allowed the anxiety to settle in my mind/body now it would completely neglect what had just happened. So, with that reminder of the presence of my powerful Lord we walked down the street, ready to walk the whole way if necessary, but then an auto stopped, and he had the upper hand of the deal making b/c of the uncertainty created pertaining to when our train would actually leave. We paid him what he wanted, and quickly got to the station. We walked in at 17:00 and looked at the board, which still had the Duronto Express delayed until 17:50—two hours later than our tickets—so we walked over to platform 3 and not five minutes later after sitting in the warm sun and cloud of flies— our train pulled into the station! “Hah”, I thought, “right as we get here”…it pulled in a little past 5p. Thankfully, for the rest of our train I’m sure, it still didn’t leave till a little past 18:00 but nonetheless it was a wonderful and undeserved blessing to benefit from the work of a God that transcends and manipulates time to serve his purposes. And what a joy it is that we (my family that follows Jesus Christ) can serve a God who also lives among us to work in simple ways like delaying trains and continually watching over his flock.

May we always have abundant Peace.

Trip To The Taj

11-13th July 2010

Ok, I had said we weren’t planning on going, but Joben generously and voluntarily offered personal money he received from his Uncle (real Uncle) so that we could go to the Taj Mahal. Something I definitely wanted to do, but he could certainly have come back at a more convenient time, but he went b/c I needed him to. (you won’t understand this sacrifice, but even I was wondering if it would be worth it after nearly 24 hours on a non-a/c public bus with 40-60 of our closest friends). So it looked like this. We went to church, grabbed our stuff, and around 6p we pulled out of the bus station to go to Delhi. At the beginning of the trip (just like the beginning of the SUMO trip) my inexperience provided me with a high sense of excitement and pleasure in my surroundings. (however, upon familiarizing myself with public buses, the next time I get on one I will be able to be more sober-minded and know better what I’m getting into—I would still choose to ride this style of transportation for the cost, it just takes some experience to get used to). Anyway, starting out of Manali my attitude and comfort level was better and greater than it was on the a/c bus we took to Manali from Delhi (probably b/c the a/c bus was more similar to the coach buses I was used to, so when it was below my past experiences I was let down, and upset knowing that we paid a pretty penny for that trip). Anyway, our trip ended in Delhi a little after 10a I think b/c  we walked around and got on a similar bus to go to Agra that left around 11:30. This trip was supposed to take about 4 hrs, but it lasted longer due to packed Delhi traffic. When we got to Agra I could rub flakes of dirt off my neck, like skin, it was crazy. We joked about dreds in Manali, and were now seriously visualizing the potential. So, after haggling with the “auto” drivers we wound up at the Taj in our “church clothes” from the day before (they weren’t so “churchy”…haha) and somehow we were able to smile and take some classic pics. J I’m very glad to see another one of the original 7 wonders while it’s still standing, but I also will look forward to a potential future trip to experience it with less time restraints. Anyway, we spent at least an hour and half there before leaving to try and get back to Delhi at a decent hour, but our 7p bus back didn’t reach its final destination till after 1a. Ugh. (that’s 6 more hours in the bus if you’re good at math) and—for me—very inconsistent sleep over the last two nights. Anyway, out of consideration for our hosts we opted to spend the night at a 24hr restaurant at the train station. We got a great meal around 2a, but the funny security guard/ alarm clock wouldn’t let us sleep b/c of the image of the restaurant or something, so around 6:15 we went to friends house in Delhi, and woke up the whole complex till we found the right door (details aren’t important here).

By now, it was such a joy to have such a warm welcome, and a cool bath (=shower in America). Even more special was the fact that I was able to spend a few minutes wishing Cassie a (slightly) earlier happy birthday, (but it was only early b/c she was volunteering with her work in San Francisco!) This began a fantastic and special day indeed.

Peace

Run Down of Final Day in Manali

Sunday 11 July 2010

Church- as long as any Indian service= fabulous, but it was difficult to maintain feeling in my legs as we sat on the floor, in a position somewhere btw. cross-legged and stretched out as much as possible in a room packed with people. Intense message about following God daily, and the requirements of a true disciple of Christ. Tough message—good challenge. Afterwards, we finally met Dr. Phillip and Dr. Anna (she’s from LA—the bayou, not the city) and it was incredible to get treated to lunch and get to know them b/c they were incredibly busy this week, and we met a funny friend, Thomas Uncle, and Steve (also from the U.S.) which was pretty cool.  We then said our goodbyes till about 6p and hopped on a train to Delhi.

Outline of Saturday

-          Joben finished as much of the artwork he was working on for the school (lemme tell ya, it belongs somewhere way cooler than a fridge. (No pun intended, but I should have)

-          We went “trekking” despite the ominous clouds-> turned out great; I miss my mountains…I honestly don’t really know why?

-          Joben continued trekking and paving his own trail, I went down in time to fulfill my commitment to go to the youth group that met in the evening.

• Interesting, the leaders were mostly sick, a group from YWAM (some from Manipur, Nagaland, and Mizoram)came and did a dance and a girl shared her testimony
• She ended up where she is (today) after her fiancé died, and she went through a long process of rejecting and rediscovering the goodness of our God, and she stood there joyfully praising Him for His work in her life. I had a tough time putting myself in her shoes, cause that journey/process would be brutal, but I do know God’s plan is good, all the time. I just think that would be a hard thing to come back from and realize God’s worthiness of all praise.

-          Joben came back, we played some shuttle cock w/ Abhinay, and then went to the market and Joben treated us to a nice dinner at a clean restaurant—pretty great.

PBC&T

9 July 2010

Today was a pretty typical day in Manali. It was my last day sitting with Abhinay and helping him learn math. Our time was certainly too short. (Although, I was quite proud of him today for persevering and staying on task for a solid 1.5 hrs. of math) This kid is a genius tho: he designed this crane out of catheter  tubes and syringes. It operates on hydraulic pressure, and it is powerful. I asked him how he got the idea, and he said, “I was playing with two syringes one day, and then I thought—I could make a crane…” gallee! I would never think like that, or make that kind of connection—when I wanted a crane I went to the park to sit on those scooper things—oh yea, that’s the stuff—but this is cooler (if you can imagine). He also knows everything about engines/ computers, and “mother boards” and crazy stuff like that. So—I learned a lot—maybe he will remember one of the concepts we reviewed better now, but I feel like he got the raw end of the deal.

A very special event occurred today too, I observed how to make “hedgehog”! It is a sweet Australian desert(pun intended), “thaught’s laike uh brownie, buht bettah” as Mia described it. So, I hope to sneak out the recipe, but I think I can remember the pretty simply delicious desert. That was a big deal tho- a few teacher folk, like the entertaining and incredibly kind Prianca, and Mo (from Scotland), and a student at the school helped (hah, this student isn’t predicted to go far in academics, so in a effort to provide her with a brighter future they are going to teach her to cookJ). Yea, so it was an enjoyable day; very crowded in the hospital (not with pt’s) and OH YEA I forgot about dinner tonight—pretty incredible and a new sandwich combo to go on the menu: Bun + PB + Cucumber + tomato (“tomahto” if you’re an Aussie)

So- we are not planning on going to Agra, or doing anything “touristy” b/c that truly wasn’t on either of our minds upon coming to India; additionally the budget is running short (especially after purchases to bring “special” items home). This meant that Joben took it upon himself not to eat dinner, breakfast, and lunch to save money. However, by the grace of God these travelers that came in the night before and seemed like a nuisance ‘cause they used our soap left us a couple bags of food! Ramen noodles, PBJ, a couple buns, sweets/biscuits, and a few cucumbers and 2 tomatoes! It was incredible! For the last two days we’re here we won’t have to spend a dime on food, which is painfully expensive in Manali. They also left kerosene, and gasoline for a stove that we can’t use. I am very thankful that my immediate dislike of these people (b/c of the disappearance of our bar of soap) was met immediately with the words of God reminding me of how he treats those who take from him without asking or giving thanks (or else I would have felt really guilty when they helped us so generously by leaving us some food). It’s another reminder of God’s continual provision for those walking in his will (although, it should be obvious to see that I don’t walk a perfectly straight line like Jesus did), and it’s a great reminder of how he is continually in my midst hoping to see me follow him with both eyes focused on his light and truth, and not reaching out to grab onto attractive and unfulfilling things of the world. He is so good. (and that PB sandwich combo is too, but on a completely different level)

Peace

There’s No Place Like Home

7-8 July 2010

I realized this as I sat staring (yes for at least half an hour straight) at the mountains around us. Like I said before, Manali is India’s Breckenridge (still nowhere near as posh as Breck, but on a relative scale, it’s quite the same). Anyway, as I stared, I was taking in the incredible beauty that surrounded me. I mean, incredible beauty with the snow capped peaks, and run-off as well as permanent waterfalls that  dotted the mountainside. It is pretty cool here, but it wasn’t my mountains. I mean they could very well be more majestic than CO Springs, but I’m telling you, there must be this inherent thing in people that there truly is no place like home. Call it cheesy or cliché, I’d say it again, it’s totally true.  I love my mountains.

Another thing I realized on Thursday that has taken over a year to be made known to me is why I struggle so much to feel satisfied with the way I follow the Lord’s commands/ example when I go home from college. I recently have challenged myself and others to live “missionally” that is, to have a Christ-centered purpose for your whole life, no matter whether you are home or abroad. So, yesterday, I finally realized a major cause of why I found it so difficult to live the way I wanted to when I left my “mission” on/around campus in Waco, for my mission in Colorful CO (the mission doesn’t change right? Only our location, which does affect it on some level).

I realized that over the last year I have learned an immense amount about God’s commands for my life, and how I ought to live in light of that. And I just figured out that a lot of the change was simply me exchanging the ungrounded, shallow “church answers” that were taught to me in Sunday School for a new version of the same church answers. Albeit these answers came from reading deeper into Scripture than I ever had in the past; but this (more or less) only hid the source of my struggle under something that seemed and is really good. The problem persisted tho—I was still struggling to confirm the truth of these answers by living them out. So, somehow, over the course of this summer, and a large part due to living around people and families that model an appropriate/ healthy relationship with the one true God; how He commands (not perfectly—but hypersensitive to one’s imperfections). I realized that I knew and felt more comfortable writing about how to live like a true Christian rather than actually speaking Truth and living the way I knew I ought to live. So, we’ll see if this helps me live it out and speak it confidently(as if I know it…). But throughout the course of this summer, I understand a lot better just how hard it is to live at home after growing up on your own when away. ‘Cause there really is no place like home!

Peace

India’s Breckenridge…Under Water

5-6 July 2010

We arrived in Manali in the rain, and it hasn’t stopped for three days. (Ok, it has…for maybe 3 hours…while we slept). Rain has been awesome in India. Without it nothing would grow, and people(= I) would die of heat exhaustion. It has been amazing how many ways the rain is a huge blessing. But Manali is a mountain town built with tourism in mind, and the climate is quite enjoyable this time of year, and water isn’t usually an issue…I would love to see the sun, not to mention the full extent of the awesome mountains surrounding us.

This hospital has been so much different than any other we have been to. We have had much less interaction with the staff, and the number of visitors is significantly more. So much so that a secretary came into the ward during rounds the other day and yelled at me for walking around with the doctor (who hadn’t minded all morning) and the med students. My pre-med creds didn’t cut it with the lack of space in that room. I don’t regret going tho; rounds with med students has been way more educational than other rounds, as they are more available to chat about what we are seeing than the doc who is definitely more focused on the pt’s. Anyway I was sent to Casualty (I wasn’t a casualty; it is the ED). In medical language this means; go sit in the corner, because it’s the middle of the day and there is probably nothing going on in emergency. BUTT, as I walk into the Emergency Dept. a lady was screaming at the top of her lungs. (as it turns out, there was nothing going on, but at least this lady tried to make it sound interesting). I did get to stand in and watch the nurse that didn’t know/trust me yet do her job like a pro that she is. But this screaming lady probably (at worst) had a broken hip, but she was gonna let us know where it hurt for sure. The only part that I felt bad about (and upset me that someone might think this) is that this secretary thought she had directly told me something about not following around the other med-students while they go on rounds. Unfortunately, she probably did, but I never registered this command (aka-I really don’t think it was as clear as she seemed to think it was, and so she was def. overly caustic in her tone—so in return I was overly courteous…that’ll show her not).  Anyway, the med-students invited me along and the doctor didn’t say anything, but later Dr. Anna came by casualty and invited me personally to OPD “if there is nothing going on in Casualty”. So I was glad that my actions were justified b/c the day before I was scolded by the same secretary for sitting in OPD with 1 other student, when the doctor clearly didn’t mind. Ugh.

Anyway, not only was Emergency a bit busier/ more exciting than usual, but also it freed me up to go sit and chat in the “tree house” with a pretty amazing couple of Christ followers who came here to teach at the school. We talked all afternoon, about life, God, our stories, passions, future plans, missions, why Cassie is so special etc, etc… it was real fun. I also said that since I would like to be a teacher for Teach For America before I go to medical school, I asked if there was a need in the school that I could volunteer for while I was here. As it were, there is this boy, Abhinay, who is exceptionally bright (seriously, an engineering genius) but who struggles in class. (Class sizes avg. 40 here cause of the teacher need). So, she asked me to help tutor him in Maths to truly master the fundamentals of a few grade levels back. I was SO excited to oblige. I stayed up late, and with prayer, prepared a rough idea of what we could go over in this book, and I was given several creative ideas to present math in a different way (I would like to say more interesting, but I’m not the judge).

The last couple days I’ve spent about 2 hours each morning with Abhinay, and each day it has been extended from one hour, and he has stayed on task and made it easy for me to feel good, because he knows his stuff, and is able to do the work despite my (sometimes) confusing directions. It has given me a real big taste of the incredible joy it is to see someone succeed under your tutelage, and a very little taste of the immense sacrifice teachers make by pouring in everything they have,  and rarely getting the chance to see to fruits of their labor. That fact alone makes teaching a ridiculously hard, thankless, and sacrificial job…way to go teach’s.

Although I came to see hospitals at the majority of our stops we have seen and/or talked about the needs of teachers in the mission setting for either the villages education programs that we have visited or the MKs schooling or somewhere, they need help across the board. (and they’re super nice as if I could be any more candid: come teach in India…you have summers off right?).

So, my days have been a wonderfully fun balance of teaching math in the morning and then going to the hospital after lunch. (with a tea break w/ the teachers around 2:30p). Although my joyful experiences with Abhinay seemed like they could drown out my motivation to put myself through the difficulties of becoming/being a doctor, my passion for medicine was kept alive by getting to know some of the pretty great staff in the ED. A young “HS” grad is there helping and a couple rockin’ good nurses—they know their way around the emergency room (which is literally one room). They have begun asking me to do things (there is always a couple day trial period where nurses get used to having you stand around before they ask you to do stuff). BUTT it was really fun for this Dr. to show me how to make a plaster cast for this girl on one arm, and then set me free to cast the other arm (yes, she broke both climbing a tree for fruit…who could blame her). But little things like that still excite me, and I enjoyed doing the cast “well” as the Dr. said (no doubt God aided me as much as the doc, it was the first time my mind was able to slow down enough to pray before beginning the task)…and look at the results! Pretty good, I’d say. Anyway, another young boy came in with two broken feet that we got to do the same thing to with the Plaster of Paris (actually the procedure was completely different, and trickier w/ the feet). Yea, what is up with these kids breaking both appendages?? Finally, the ED got hummin’ and the one nurse had a few patients at bay and so she looked at me and asked me to administer this shot to this lady. I said “sure, in the shoulder?” (I definitely would be comfortable stickin’ someone in the shoulder, or leg) but she looked at me and motioned to the buttocks. HAH. Ohhh, India. I think in America I would find this less awkward, being the first time I would stick anything in anyone’s gluteus maximus, but alas, was I there to act like wallpaper, or practice my skills? I waved the lady onto a table, and drew the curtains for some privacy. Thankfully, she pretty much knew what was going on, so I didn’t have to struggle explaining if she didn’t understand English. Down came the drawers, I made sure there was no air in the injection, pinched some “subcue’”, and stuck (I mean, you can’t really miss there can you?) …probably not a good attitude to take into giving someone a shot, but it worked, and I think that lady is alive with a boost of progesterone (that’s what was in the shot) in her system.

So, a couple more days in “India’s Breckenridge” (Breckenridge, CO, for any Texans that think their Breckenridge is worth visiting) and we will be travelling back to Delhi (hopefully by Cassie’s Birthday) and then on to Chennai by a/c train…we’re truly ridiculously spoiled, but I won’t complain, I am actually quite grateful.

Peace

Now I See in Part…

6 July 2010

I will never know what I don’t know. That really sucks about living on earth, with a brain that is so limited in its capacity. But through observing others I am very thankful for what I do know, and what I have seen/experienced in India. I went to dinner last night with an American, an Australian, 4(technically) Britishers, and a Swiss man. Most were med students, great people, and obviously here for some reason, but it was crazy to see just what they couldn’t. It scares me, really. As much as I want to sit and judge (which is my BIGGEST prayer request as I come back to the States), because it must be scary what I don’t know. These people have no idea what India is really like, (nor can I say that I do, honestly) but they don’t know the conditions that most  people are comfortable in. (even if they know, it would be just head knowledge). Joben and I have travelled and lived privileged lives by most Indian standards, and I cannot say with a straight face, that even that was easy for me, cause it stretched me. It took time to eat with my hands, to get used to cleanin’ my bum without paper, for that matter— the technique I had on the squatty-potty was pretty comical the first few weeks, to sit and wait around for transportation, and travel normal class (once…on a short trip) w/ no a/c wasn’t easy for me. And it is more obvious now than ever that God graciously gave me a proper perspective in these circumstances because these students still expect current to be as consistent as gravity, and to have internet (which would be nice, right?) and to have food that they are used to, and not eat what they’re not used to, and they don’t know how far Rs. 10 will go. Most of these things they have a good reason not to know—simply, no one ever showed them! They never saw it, so how could they know??

I found this out over dinner our first night in Manali. I went with our new friends to go out to eat in town (which even the concept of doing that was completely foreign to what we have done on our trip b/c normally, there is nowhere to go out to). I don’t feel bad for going, but I have never felt so awkward eating with a group of people. (the only other time to be close was my first meal with a French family, but that is completely different). We got our food, everything was fine, and everything looked tasty. But then I almost, ALMOST started pouring on the curry to my rice and digging in with my hand, but I looked around and saw the table all eating with the spoon provided and I knew that this group would probably pass out if they saw me start chowing with my hand. But with rice, and for all intensive purposes every Indian meal, you have no use of utensils, you use the ones God gave you. It’s great! (Of course, I enjoy playing with my food more than most well trained boys, sorry mom). But I stopped myself, and for the first time in my life I was incredibly uncomfortable eating with a spoon. I cannot describe this discomfort, it was a feeling like a prolonged back spasm, and tingling as if nails were scraping on a chalk board, but it had nothing to do with what I heard, it originated from my hands. I realized then that their negative assessment of the mess probably was completely off base b/c I have thoroughly enjoyed the mess and every Indian dish placed in front of me (albeit Naga food can be pretty spicy). So, we ate, the conversation was typical of the crowd, not the location, but it wasn’t terrible. I mean, I definitely like these kids. They’re older and have some great insight into medical school from America and abroad, and life in general. But on so many levels they were the depiction of the stereotype and category that I live under, in India—a foreigner. And realizing the lack of understanding contained in that stereotype was what  hurt more than anything, and it gave me so much more insight into why I am seen as the person to take advantage of by people. So, now I can express on an even deeper level (or maybe I can’t express it fully) my gratitude for seeing the “grass roots India” that I could not see with a group of my peers. Man, I am so thankful for, literally every moment of my trip in India, literally, I wouldn’t trade a single one. Because, for whatever reason, I have been blessed this summer with something very few get to see/know. I hope I never think I know it all…or worse act like it(…without knowing it, hah-irony)…even if it is a slight feeling deep inside of me, I don’t want it. How little is the capacity of my mind?? I mean, by definition there are an infinite number of things I do not know, and even that I don’t know, and now my brain is asking for relief because it is being stretched well beyond its limits thinking about what isn’t there! Man…as sucky as this perspective is, I hope it stays awhile.

Peace

P.S.-> Over the last couple days my perspective has changed from the one I had while writing the above. For one, although I didn’t let myself see it at the time, this last post was written out of a very arrogant and self-righteous, and judgmental attitude (heart). Although my gratitude remains unchanged, the truth about myself not knowing everything has just expanded. Mostly because it’s not a bad thing to be a tourist, it’s really good on some levels. It would be bad if I were a tourist where we have gone on this trip, because then I wouldn’t have learned even the little that I did pick up over the last 6 weeks. Incredible. So, after spending time with this fun and culturally diverse group I realized many more quality attributes in them, and unfortunately (and thankfully) only the Lord and I can read the above and know my heart as I was writing, and know that it wasn’t all that I tried to portray it as. Overall, my first assumption was wrong because these students were not here to get the same kind of exposure that I am, and it would be ridiculous to meet anyone in life and expect them to have the exact same goals as me. (And they shouldn’t have the same goals; God’s body requires all types of parts, and He wants them fully tuned and functioning according to His will.) So, now that I’m looking back after a couple days, I can still conclude the same truth—I don’t know everything—thank God.

Peace